Becky pulled out all the stops to celebrate her husband Ed’s 40^th birthday. She wanted to make it special and planned menus, designed and sent out invitations, shopped for ingredients, and baked and cooked for days.

But when the evening came, her husband Ed commented that her party food didn’t look as good as the spread at a bash they’d been to the previous week. Glued to a group of colleagues, he ignored Becky for most of the evening, even keeping his distance when she made a speech.

On top of that, two of Becky’s friends didn’t reply to the invitation, three who said they were coming cried off at the last minute by WhatsApp and a lawyer colleague spent the evening making digs about Becky’s timekeeping at work.

‘I stood for a second, looked around and wondered what was going on,’ says Becky, 38. ‘Apart from two or three real stalwart friends and a few neighbours that I love being around, the rest seemed to have turned a bit toxic. I didn’t know if it was because I was tired or disappointed, but I felt like I needed to cull a few people from my life.’

Experts say that many of us, like Becky, reach a point when we realise our relationships aren’t working as well as they did or could. Sometimes, an event like an anniversary or a holiday can flag that things have turned toxic, or it might be a build-up of little things that spurs us on to do a relationship audit.

And one of the best times to do that, according to experts, is at the beginning of a new year.

‘Our mindset is already programmed for making resolutions and changes. Just as we declutter our wardrobes, we can do the same with relationships, so we make life easier, less stressful and more enjoyable.’
Gill Hasson, author of How to Deal with Difficult People and Declutter Your Life

‘The new year is exactly that,’ says Gill Hasson, author of How to Deal with Difficult People and Declutter Your Life (Capstone). ‘Our mindset is already programmed for making resolutions and changes. Just as we declutter our wardrobes, we can do the same with relationships, so we make life easier, less stressful and more enjoyable.’

With this in mind, it’s hardly surprising the first Monday of the New Year is becoming known as Divorce Day among counsellors and solicitors. It’s said to be the day most people set the ball in motion to split for good.

Yet as well as romantic relationships, other connections can turn just as sour. How do you feel when your UK family land in Dubai, and spend a fortnight criticising your UAE lifestyle? Then there’s that friend who doesn’t listen to a word you say, yet she posts your catchups at fancy restaurants on Instagram.

But how do we know if a relationship has turned toxic, or if we expect too much of our partners, family, friends and colleagues?

‘You might need someone else to point out to you how bad things are,’ continues Gill. ‘Or there may be a crisis that makes you aware the relationship has to end.

‘If you’re with someone who manipulates you, if they’re abusive or coercive, or if they gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem, it’s time to stop being in denial and take stock.’

‘You could realise you don’t like being with that person anymore because they’re critical and negative and they bring you down. You dread their calls or messages and put off spending time with them. The clues are there for you to see.’

So how can we declutter our relationships in four key areas – partners, family, friends and colleagues? Gill Hasson and Dubai-based life coach Amanda Davies give their tips.

Partners

Whether you’re in a new relationship or you’ve been married for 40 years, it’s important to remember all pairings have their ups and downs, says Gill.

‘No one is suggesting that you have to have the perfect partner, but there are some red flags in relationships that can’t be ignored,’ she says. ‘If you’re with someone who manipulates you, if they’re abusive or coercive, or if they gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem, it’s time to stop being in denial and take stock.’

woman tearing up picture of happy couple after relationship turns toxic

Amanda adds: ‘If a partner constantly dismisses your achievements instead of celebrating them, making you feel small rather than supported, think about why you’re together. Criticism can be very deflating. Your partner’s negativity can mess with your confidence.’

TIPS

Voice your feelings

Instead of bottling up your hurt, address your feelings with your partner when emotions aren’t running high, advises Amanda.

‘Focus on creating boundaries through clear, calm communication. For example, say: ‘I put so much effort into that dinner last night and your comment about the food really upset me.’ That way, you state your feelings, you’re not accusing, and you can start to talk.’

Don’t count on change

If things are difficult in a new relationship, don’t expect your boyfriend or girlfriend to change, says Gill.

‘A lot of people think they can change or help their partners,’ she says, ‘but if there are warning signs from the start, things will only get worse, not better. Trust your instinct and stop making excuses for them. If you don’t feel great at the start, you’re likely to never feel great with them.’

As for Becky she left her husband two months after organising his birthday party. ‘There just didn’t seem any reason to stay with a man who appreciated me so little,’ she says. ‘I’d gone to so much trouble to make his birthday special and for him to feel loved, but he barely even uttered a thank you.

‘It made me realise he’d been ignoring me and my feelings for years, and I decided to leave. We’re now divorced and I have never been happier. Getting that toxic mindset away from me was all I needed and I’m getting on with my life surrounding myself with positive people who care about me.

‘I don’t have time for anyone who’s toxic and cull anyone with bad behaviour quickly now.’

Friends

Jealous friend looking at her friend talking to others

Friendships go through phases, says Gill, so your decision about who stays and who goes in 2025 can be flexible.

‘Some friends are pure fun and make us laugh, while others are perfect for deep conversations,’ says Gill. ‘But if you have a friend who’s always cancelling, who puts you down or has been ghosting you, then it’s time to stop pursuing their friendship and go your separate ways.’

TIPS

Buy some time

If things aren’t great with a friend, stop your weekly nights out and put some distance between you, suggests Gill.

‘The first step is to withdraw,’ she advises. ‘Tell them you have a lot on. This will give you a chance to assess how you really feel about them. Chances are you’ll feel better without their negativity in your life. Don’t arrange to see them unless you want to. You’ll only end up crying off.’

Shift the dynamic

Limit your time with this friend, and suggest neutral, low-pressure, short meetups, says Amanda.

‘If you always go for an expensive brunch, ask your friend to a shorter coffee morning,’ she says. ‘Keep conversations light and steer away from topics that tend to trigger comparisons or leave you feeling inadequate.’

Family

Family dynamics can feel intense, and they’re linked with other family members so it’s more a case of managing them, than decluttering them, say our experts.

‘If you’re an expat and living away from your relatives, you might have family members visiting you for a fortnight or a month at a time, and this can cause a lot of tension, negativity and judgement,’ says Amanda.

And even if your family live nearby, there’s still plenty of scope for friction, adds Gill.

‘Family are not isolated relationships, so they’re not easy to declutter,’ she says. ‘You may love your sister but despise her husband. Seeing your dad might be a joy but your mum may get on your nerves.’

TIPS

Play to your strengths

Look at what you’re best at, and then see where you can use those skills with your family, suggests Gill.

‘If you’re practical and you like driving, and you don’t like sitting listening to your mum moaning about her life, suggest that instead of calling round for tea and a chat, you take her to her hospital or hairdressing appointments, or to visit one of her friends. That way, you’re seeing her, but you’re not stuck listening to her moans for long.’

Get active

Having everyone together in a confined space can cause friction, so plan some activities, recommends Amanda.

‘Lounging at home is often when toxic comments or judgements surface, and extended stays with family can be draining so plan outings or activities,’ she says. ‘Suggest you all go to the beach for half a day, or you go out for a walk. Anything to break up the monotony.’

Colleagues

We often spend eight hours a day, five days a week at work, so our relationships with colleagues are paramount, says Gill.

‘Yet many can bully, humiliate, undermine and micromanage us, or they can steal our ideas, confidence and energy,’ she adds.

TIPS

Get clarity

Be clear in your own mind what the problem is, and you want and don’t want, says Gill.

‘If you can limit your contact and interaction with them, do so immediately,’ she advises. ‘If you confront them about stealing your ideas, be clear that it’s their behaviour you’re not happy with.’

Get it in writing

Amanda recommends keeping a note of any conversations or discussions.

‘Address concerns calmly and document your interactions,’ she advises. ‘For example, if a colleague undermines you and your ideas in a meeting, follow up with an email to the whole team, summarising the idea you shared and how it aligns with the company’s goals. This creates a written record without escalating conflict, but it will ensure your contributions are recognised.’