Isabella’s fingers hover over her laptop but she can’t bring herself to post on social media. There are too many ‘what if’ thoughts whirring around her head. Yet she knows she needs to up her social media presence. An agent is interested in organising an exhibition of her artwork, but they have already stressed Isabella needs more online followers to make the project viable.
‘In those moments, it’s like I’m crippled by anxiety,’ says the single 43-year-old, who works as a graphic artist. ‘I sit there, planning a perfectly straight-forward post that I’m happy with. Then, in my head, I go through all the people I know and imagine what they might think if they read about me and my art. I know some would be supportive, but others might think I’m getting too big for my boots and bragging.
‘I even feel guilty about posting my good news when I know so many people who are waiting for results from cancer tests, going through a break-up and grieving after losing a parent. Will they think I’m being insensitive and I don’t care about them? In the end, I don’t post anything. Now I’m at risk of losing the chance to get my work out there and I could kick myself. I feel physically sick with regret.’
Isabella isn’t alone. What she doesn’t realise is that she’s suffering from a very common fear that affects most of us at some stage of our lives, and some people most of the time. Move over FOMO (fear of missing out) because there’s a new fear in town – FOPO, the fear of other people’s opinions, and experts say it’s keeping our heads well below the parapet of life. It keeps us playing small and staying safe within our comfort zone, which is exactly what Isabella is doing.
But what is FOPO and how common is it?
Dubai-based life coach Amanda Davies explains: ‘It’s important to separate FO from PO. FOPO isn’t about caring what people think. Humans have always cared what people think. It’s part of our primitive instinct – we’re naturally alert to other people’s opinions as a form of self-protection.
Move over FOMO (fear of missing out) because there’s a new fear in town – FOPO, the fear of other people’s opinions, and experts say it’s keeping our heads well below the parapet of life
‘It becomes FOPO when that awareness turns into self-editing and hesitation, when decisions are driven more by how we might be judged than by what we actually believe. It’s the internal processing and stories we tell ourselves, how we might react to imagined consequences, editing ourselves in advance, holding back judgement.
‘The fear comes from the meaning we attach to other people’s opinions. We fear that a single moment will define how we’re seen or quietly count against us later. But it isn’t a personality flaw. It’s a human response to pressure, visibility and uncertainty, especially in environments where reputation matters.’
US-born life coach Talane Miedaner, who now practises from the UK, describes FOPO as ‘the fear of negative evaulation’, whether we’re talking about the woman who doesn’t speak her mind when her friends exclude her from a weekend away, or someone on medication who drinks alcohol just to stay in favour with her colleagues on a night out.
‘It’s rooted in our human need for acceptance, approval and belonging in a group or society,’ says Talane, author of The Secret Laws of Attraction (McGraw Hill). ‘We still have our tribes, and we don’t want people to think negatively about us.’
‘We’ve become anonymous keyboard warriors. We’re the critics who are unafraid to say what we like behind the screen. As a result, opinions are often unfiltered and far less polite than they’d be face-to-face.’
Amanda Davies, Life Coach
But while the fear itself hasn’t changed over the years, social media is now amplifying it for many people, like Isabella.
Amanda explains: ‘Firstly, social media has turned opinion into a constant, relentless stream of likes, views and comments, not just on Instagram or X, but also on newspaper articles. What used to be read quietly is now instantly judged, rated and debated in public.
‘Secondly, we’re now exposed to unsolicited reactions, not just occasionally, but all day long, which creates the illusion we’re being assessed far more often than we are.
‘And finally, we’ve become anonymous keyboard warriors. We’re the critics who are unafraid to say what we like behind the screen. As a result, opinions are often unfiltered and far less polite than they’d be face-to-face.’
FOPO isn’t neatly split by gender or even age, and it affects the young and inexperienced as much as older, more worldly people. Experts say it shows up most when people are in high-performance environments and when something feels at stake.
‘When people are going through career transitions, moving into leadership roles or moving countries, for example, they start paying closer attention to how they come across and less attention to what they actually think,’ says Amanda.
We don’t send our novel manuscript to an agent. We don’t apply for that job in finance. And we put off looking for premises for our new business.
‘High performers have built their success by reading the room, adapting quickly and getting things right. Those skills are really useful – until they tip over into over-monitoring and self-editing.’
Talane says it stops us living our dream. Like Isabella, we lose out on the art exhibition. We don’t send our novel manuscript to an agent. We don’t apply for that job in finance. And we put off looking for premises for our new business.
‘FOPO keeps people stuck at a certain level in their lives,’ reveals Talane, ‘and they stay well within their station in life.’
Amanda agrees. She says FOPO doesn’t usually stop people doing things, but it narrows their behaviour.
‘People affected by FOPO don’t just avoid criticism – they start avoiding situations where judgement might appear,’ she says. ‘At work, people hold back ideas until they feel completely safe. They delay decisions or stay quiet in meetings rather than risk being misread or saying the wrong thing.
‘In relationships, FOPO means needs go unspoken, and tension is managed rather than addressed. People prioritise harmony over honesty and skirt around issues that are never resolved.
‘Socially, FOPO sufferers avoid hobbies which they might not be good at straight away. They choose activities that look good, rather than those they genuinely enjoy.’
Strategies for Overcoming FOPO
So, how can we avoid FOPO? Is it simply a case of giving ourselves a good talking-to?
‘FOPO doesn’t disappear when we tell ourselves not to care, or to ignore it,’ emphasises Amanda. ‘It eases when people change what they pay attention to. It’s not about being thick-skinned or indifferent. It comes back to the old adage that you can’t change other people; you can only change how you act or react to them.’
If you need to be recognised, you might run a marathon, so you get cheered on by supporters. If you need to be heard, you might host a radio show, give a talk or even meditate every day, so you hear your own inner thoughts.’
Talane Miedaner, Life Coach
Do you want to conquer FOPO and start living authentically? Amanda and Talane share their tips:
Decide who counts
Draw up a list of people whose judgement you trust and state why you trust them, recommends Amanda.
‘FOPO grows when everyone becomes an audience. You can’t manage the entire world but narrowing that audience restores proportion,’ she says. ‘Hopefully, you’ll have a small number of people who understand your context and want you to progress. Everyone else’s views are incidental and irrelevant.’
Needs must
Take Talane’s free online emotional index quiz and identify your emotional needs.
‘We all have emotional needs. They’re not a sign of weakness,’ she explains. ‘Once you know what you need – whether it’s to be recognised, heard, loved or cherished, for example – you can go about getting those needs met in a healthy way and you’ll stop chasing other people’s approval. If you need to be recognised, you might run a marathon, so you get cheered on by supporters. If you need to be heard, you might host a radio show, give a talk or even meditate every day, so you hear your own inner thoughts.’
Play for time
When you notice you’re having a strong reaction to someone’s view of you, stop and count to ten, suggests Amanda.
‘Next, ask yourself what you think might happen as a result. Spell out the consequences plainly to yourself. FOPO works by turning judgement into threat. So, when you separate the two, the nervous system settles and your thinking improves.’
Unpick your story
Remember you’re not the number one priority in most people’s worlds, says Talane.
‘We think other people are looking at us, reading our posts and judging us, but they’re not as focused on us as we think,’ she says. ‘If people haven’t given you a like, maybe they haven’t seen your post or maybe they’re busy. Ask yourself if you’re making up a story about the lack of response and if what you think is really true. Could you reframe your thought to make it more empowering?’
Have a modus operandi
Before acting, ask yourself if your choice fits how you want to show up in the world, suggests Amanda.
‘It’s important to check your actions fit the standards you hold yourself to, rather than wonder how they might be received,’ she says. ‘Decisions grounded in our internal values and standards are more stable. When the reference point changes, FOPO loses influence.’
Experiment with social media
Limit or leave social media, advises Talane.
‘You could take social media off your phone and just have it on your desktop or laptop,’ she says. ‘Or you might come out of groups that aren’t kind to you. If social media leaves you feeling down and depleted, then maybe it’s time to have a complete break from it to protect yourself.’
- For more information about Talane Miedaner’s work, go to www.lifecoach.com
